Leader of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy?

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Page 7

IN MY OPINION (Column)

Leader of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy?

By RAY HAYNES

(The writer represents the 66th Assembly District, which includes portions of western Riverside County and northern San Diego County.)

This last week, Governor Davis claimed that Republicans caused the electricity crisis, Republicans caused the budget crisis, and now, that “what is happening here is part of an ongoing national effort to steal elections they cannot win.” He said the recall is part of this national effort—a “right-wing power grab” to seize control of the governor’s office with “just a handful of voters.”

I’m afraid he’s on to me. It’s me, or at least, I think it’s me, that the governor is accusing of this right-wing power grab. I reach that conclusion based on the following facts:

(a) In the last seven years, only one Republican has presided over either house of the Legislature, and that was me. I presided over the Senate for twenty minutes in December 2000, just one month before the electricity crisis hit the newspapers. Since I was the only Republican in control of anything in the state or federal government at that time, I’m the logical suspect.

(b) Interestingly enough, the economic slowdown in California also began in December 2000. According to Governor Davis, Republicans caused that, too. Once again, since Davis was in control of the state government, and Clinton was in charge of the national government, it must have been my twenty-minute stint as the presiding officer in the Senate that caused the economic slowdown, and began the slide that ultimately led to budget crisis that has so badly hurt the governor’s popularity.

(c) Governor Davis also claimed that he didn’t know that the budget crisis would be as bad as it was this year. Once again, I must have been the Republican that misled him on the issue, and ultimately caused him to mislead California. In May 2001, in my article, “The Perfect Budget Storm,” I predicted the drop in revenue was coming, and that we needed to cut back on spending, because Republicans would never agree to a tax increase. While it could have been simple math and an understanding of economics that led to my accurate predictions, it also could be that I was secretly engineering the entire deficit myself just to make me look good.

(d) I was at the first recall meeting, the recall meeting when Darrell Issa agreed to put up the money to fund the recall, and subsequent meetings where the recall was planned. Since no telephone call came from any other “national” Republican figure, I guess I am the one who, by this recall, is trying to steal elections I cannot win. According to one article I read, I single-handedly got the whole recall funded! I don’t really remember it that way myself—but maybe the author’s sources are better than mine.

(e) I know I was in Palm Beach, Florida just a few months before the election debacle in that area in November 2000. I must have inadvertently met with some Democrats (who run that county in Florida) when I was there, and convinced them to screw up the election, so that Republicans could steal it from them later.

You see, I am the common thread. I am the one who has been in each of the places where Gray Davis has discovered this right-wing plot to remove him from office, take over power, and then systematically use that power to kill children and old people, pollute the water and air, indiscriminately shoot people with illegal guns, use corporate money to rape and pillage communities throughout the state, give Enron control of the capitol, and eventually tear the wings off of all the butterflies in the state.

I have been discovered. The plot is revealed. The electricity crisis, the budget crisis, the failed economy, the fraud in the state’s food stamp and unemployment insurance programs, the collapse of our workers’ compensation system, the general failure of the state’s government and the entire recall were carefully planned and executed by one person to specifically deprive Gray Davis of his job: Me—the Grand Poobah of the California Chapter of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone else—I don’t want to blow my cover completely.